GOODBYE
Date : Nov 20, 2007
Time : 7.30 pm
Venue : Putra Medical Centre
Seeing the O&G specialist, Dr. Zarul.
Dr. Zarul : Can I help you?
Me : I m about 2 months pregnant, and i am having bleeding since last 2 days.
Dr. Zarul : Oh..can we go to scanning room?
Me : Sure
After scanning
Dr. Zarul : Can u see the black thing here? this is the embryonic sac. Now, as you can see your embryonic sac is empty, and thru this ultrasound there is no heartbeat detected, and also no embryo observed. Unfortunately i have to say that u are having what we call a "miss abortion", kind of a miscarriage.
Me : Oww......
Dr.Zarul : I advise u to do D&C ASAP. I will prepare a letter to the hospital for the operation.ok?
Me : Ok, i'll wait outside.
Outside the room, i cried over Zuzu's and Amet's shoulder. It just last weekend i went surveying for pregy's blouses and pants. And googleing on newborn’s and baby's stuffs. And preparing to buy Obimin again with this month's salary. But now...it is no more...I am so sad no words can tell.
Date : Nov 21,2007
Time : 2.00 pm
Venue : Gynae ward, Hospital Selayang
After waiting for 4 hours at emergency room, they sent me to be warded. The doctor checked and scanned again, and confirmed my baby is no more going to develop.
Doctor : Well, i have no choice but to give u medicine tmrow morning to induce contraction so that the blood and probably the embryo sac can come out by itself. Otherwise u have to go for D&C. Pls bear in mind, when u go to toilet, keep watching if any blood clots or something look like fish meat come out, then u immediately call nurse, ok?
Date : Nov 22, 2007
Time : 10.00 a.m
Venue : Operation theatre
Doctor : Hi, I m Dr. Shahril,the anaesthetician. I will give u anaesthetic in a while, and this will make u unconscious during the operation. Ok I m giving u injection now. Baca bismillah, mengucap dua kalimah syahadah ya..
Me : Bismillahirramanirrahim....Ashhaduallaailaahaillallah wa ashhaduannamuhammadarrasulullah... And yeah...Goodbye my dear, my baby, we will see each other again in another world...Bye bye...
And I fall asleep, a deep one.
1.00 pm
“Miss Yuzaini...Miss Yuzaini..wake up....ur operation is finished”.
I slowly opened my eyes. Blur. Pening. Drowsy. “Saya nak muntah...uwekk..”
After about half an hour, I felt more stable. Ditolak semula ke wad. Nurses helped to change my operation gown. Still feel a bit weak.
Hungry. I ve been fasting for 13 hours. Nurses sent me food, I eat slowly and feel more energized.
Take a short nap.
After a while, wake up and walk around the ward. Asking nurse if I can go home today. Doctor come and check. Ok can go home.
I am safe. But she/he is not. Goodbye.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
PAIN
Night - went to toilet. "Abang!!!! Ada darah...!!!"
"Hahh? Byk ka? Ayg siap2, jom abg bawak pi klinik"
"Takmau, ayg takut...Takpalah, tunggu dulu tengok esok mcm mana.Ayg bleh tahan lagi nih."
********************************
Next morning - feeling very painful. This is how I feel the day before I gave birth to Zuzu. Rasa senak, mcm period pain, tp berpanjangan and it comes and goes in like every 10 minutes. And I have this pain since last few days. But last night and today it become worse. I feel like I want to crawl in the blanket with a pillow on my tummy. It is so damn painful.
Now I feel so guilty. I did lots of heavy stuff even though I already know it is there. I went to factory helping out operators – angkat shipper boxes (with the contents inside), buat product sorting, tolak troli. Balik rumah mop lantai, angkat laundry bag yg satu minggu punya isi, angkat dan mandikan Zuzu yg dah dekat 8kg aku rasa, and all the house chores. Sepatutnya masa ni aku keja ringan2 ja. Kalau takde org nak tolong buat, patutnya aku biar ja kain baju tu berkulat kat situ. Biaq ja pinggan mangkuk penuh bertimbun, membuak-buak kat singki tu. Tapi aku rimas tengok tempat tak terurus, so aku buat jugak semua keja tuh.
Now only I regret of everything I did, and I feel so bad. And now only I feel that I cant accept to loose you...please...please....stay with me....

***************************************
I just come back from the wash room. And I saw blood, again, more than yesterday. And I cried. And I keep praying hard.
I’m going off – to the clinic - NOW.
Night - went to toilet. "Abang!!!! Ada darah...!!!"
"Hahh? Byk ka? Ayg siap2, jom abg bawak pi klinik"
"Takmau, ayg takut...Takpalah, tunggu dulu tengok esok mcm mana.Ayg bleh tahan lagi nih."
********************************
Next morning - feeling very painful. This is how I feel the day before I gave birth to Zuzu. Rasa senak, mcm period pain, tp berpanjangan and it comes and goes in like every 10 minutes. And I have this pain since last few days. But last night and today it become worse. I feel like I want to crawl in the blanket with a pillow on my tummy. It is so damn painful.
Now I feel so guilty. I did lots of heavy stuff even though I already know it is there. I went to factory helping out operators – angkat shipper boxes (with the contents inside), buat product sorting, tolak troli. Balik rumah mop lantai, angkat laundry bag yg satu minggu punya isi, angkat dan mandikan Zuzu yg dah dekat 8kg aku rasa, and all the house chores. Sepatutnya masa ni aku keja ringan2 ja. Kalau takde org nak tolong buat, patutnya aku biar ja kain baju tu berkulat kat situ. Biaq ja pinggan mangkuk penuh bertimbun, membuak-buak kat singki tu. Tapi aku rimas tengok tempat tak terurus, so aku buat jugak semua keja tuh.
Now only I regret of everything I did, and I feel so bad. And now only I feel that I cant accept to loose you...please...please....stay with me....

***************************************
I just come back from the wash room. And I saw blood, again, more than yesterday. And I cried. And I keep praying hard.
I’m going off – to the clinic - NOW.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
CHERATING, PAHANG
Tetiba ja last Saturday, Amet bangun tidoq dan terus ajak pi Cherating. Ntah apa yg dia mimpi malam tu. Ada org buang harta karun kat sana kot. so kemas-kemas barang, stat keta, geraklah ke Cherating...tetiba ja dah sampai. Gila betoi 3 ekoq anak beranak nih.
and here few pix taken..
"Ibu..saya nak swimming lagi!!! Saya sgt suka air.."
Tetiba ja last Saturday, Amet bangun tidoq dan terus ajak pi Cherating. Ntah apa yg dia mimpi malam tu. Ada org buang harta karun kat sana kot. so kemas-kemas barang, stat keta, geraklah ke Cherating...tetiba ja dah sampai. Gila betoi 3 ekoq anak beranak nih.
and here few pix taken..
"Ibu..saya nak swimming lagi!!! Saya sgt suka air.."
Friday, November 16, 2007
I TO HAVE DECISION
Entahla taktau nak tulis hape dah skrg nih. Banyak gak benda yg nak cerita. Tp cam semua cerita tak best jerh. Cam asyik bersedih hati je. Byk hal yg misunderstanding, tiada persefahaman, tiada co-operation, tak kira sama ada di ofis mahupun di rumah. Kedua-dua tempat ni langsung tidak aman bagi aku.
Hmmm..kalaulah aku jutawanis, dh lama aku bawak baby gi melancong tempat best2, yg jauh2 dr orang. Tp malangnya aku cuma mampu bwk dia jalan2 kat OU or The Curve je utk mententeramkan jiwa. Huhuhu...
Actually aku ada jugak satu exciting news nak kongsi. Tapi mcm tak bersedia lagi nak cerita. Aku mmg excited sangat2 bila dapat news ni. Tapi since hati ni asyik sedih je, so aku letakkan dulu cerita ni kat sebelah. kdg2 rasa mcm malas nak pikir pun ada. Mcm ah kalau jadi, jadilah. Kalau tak jadi pun takpa. I wont really pay attention to it. Aku lebih banyak fikir mcm mana nak jauhkan diri dari kesedihan hidup aku ni,buat selama-lamanya. Aku nak happy2, aku takmau sedih2 lagi. However, pls don’t think aku akan cuba meninggalkan dunia. Tapi mungkin aku boleh meninggalkan ‘subjek/orang’ yg menyebabkan kesedihan itu. Aku betul2 tengah berfikir keras. Aku dah tak kuase hari2 berlinangan air mata. Aku dah tak kuase hari2 sakit kepala, sakit hati, sakit telinga. Aku dah tak kuase hari2 buang masa pikir nak selesaikan benda masalah ni. Aku dah tahu siapa racunnya. So lebih baik aku buang je racun tu jauh2.
Aku tahu perubahan ni akan menjadi terlalu besar kesannya dalam hidup aku dan dia dan semua yg terlibat. Tapi aku harus pilih. Biarlah aku meraung dan melalak sekali yg terakhir ini, tapi terus hidup bahagia tanpa air mata di masa depan.
Entahla taktau nak tulis hape dah skrg nih. Banyak gak benda yg nak cerita. Tp cam semua cerita tak best jerh. Cam asyik bersedih hati je. Byk hal yg misunderstanding, tiada persefahaman, tiada co-operation, tak kira sama ada di ofis mahupun di rumah. Kedua-dua tempat ni langsung tidak aman bagi aku.
Hmmm..kalaulah aku jutawanis, dh lama aku bawak baby gi melancong tempat best2, yg jauh2 dr orang. Tp malangnya aku cuma mampu bwk dia jalan2 kat OU or The Curve je utk mententeramkan jiwa. Huhuhu...
Actually aku ada jugak satu exciting news nak kongsi. Tapi mcm tak bersedia lagi nak cerita. Aku mmg excited sangat2 bila dapat news ni. Tapi since hati ni asyik sedih je, so aku letakkan dulu cerita ni kat sebelah. kdg2 rasa mcm malas nak pikir pun ada. Mcm ah kalau jadi, jadilah. Kalau tak jadi pun takpa. I wont really pay attention to it. Aku lebih banyak fikir mcm mana nak jauhkan diri dari kesedihan hidup aku ni,buat selama-lamanya. Aku nak happy2, aku takmau sedih2 lagi. However, pls don’t think aku akan cuba meninggalkan dunia. Tapi mungkin aku boleh meninggalkan ‘subjek/orang’ yg menyebabkan kesedihan itu. Aku betul2 tengah berfikir keras. Aku dah tak kuase hari2 berlinangan air mata. Aku dah tak kuase hari2 sakit kepala, sakit hati, sakit telinga. Aku dah tak kuase hari2 buang masa pikir nak selesaikan benda masalah ni. Aku dah tahu siapa racunnya. So lebih baik aku buang je racun tu jauh2.
Aku tahu perubahan ni akan menjadi terlalu besar kesannya dalam hidup aku dan dia dan semua yg terlibat. Tapi aku harus pilih. Biarlah aku meraung dan melalak sekali yg terakhir ini, tapi terus hidup bahagia tanpa air mata di masa depan.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
BUKIT TINGGI RESORT PAHANG
Celebrate Deepavali kat atas bukit. tak la best sangat tempat nih.tapi boleh la sekadar nak jamu mata, tengok suasana konon-konon macam kat Jepun, kat France. and kitorg pun mcm prepare la bawak sweater semua konon-konon takut sejuk menggigil la. sekali hah tengok org lain yg pakai singlet pun ada. hahaha...langsung tak sejuk pun...
Ibu kat Japanese Garden. Dah lama tak posing sorang2 nih. inilah masanya...yeahh!!!
Ayah macam org India, anak mcm org Jepun....
Yuehoooo...bersama kereta baruku. siap ada publish no plat...so sapa2 nampak saya kat jalan, tolong jgn langgar ye....
Suamiku yg terchenta....
Ibu muka blur. Zuzu berlakon konon-konon mcm sejuk gila siap pakai snow cap. Hahahaa..
Celebrate Deepavali kat atas bukit. tak la best sangat tempat nih.tapi boleh la sekadar nak jamu mata, tengok suasana konon-konon macam kat Jepun, kat France. and kitorg pun mcm prepare la bawak sweater semua konon-konon takut sejuk menggigil la. sekali hah tengok org lain yg pakai singlet pun ada. hahaha...langsung tak sejuk pun...
Ibu kat Japanese Garden. Dah lama tak posing sorang2 nih. inilah masanya...yeahh!!!
Ayah macam org India, anak mcm org Jepun....
Yuehoooo...bersama kereta baruku. siap ada publish no plat...so sapa2 nampak saya kat jalan, tolong jgn langgar ye....
Suamiku yg terchenta....
Ibu muka blur. Zuzu berlakon konon-konon mcm sejuk gila siap pakai snow cap. Hahahaa..
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